Let me set the scene. Downtown New Orleans. I don't know where. W****gr**** pharmacy. Two bathrooms, both with combination locks - because, I had forgotten, in big cities, if an establishment has public restrooms, they are locked because of what big city folk do in them, and a half dozen zombies in pharmacy uniforms.
Patt and I walk in quickly, very quickly, scan the back wall of the store for the restrooms. We find a Pharm-zombie and he points to the restroom. "they're locked" he says, "I'll have to let you in...be there in a minute."
Patt stands by the ladies room door. I stand by the men's room door, legs crossed, stomach gurgling, a look of urgency on my face. Pharm-Zombie comes around the corner and in my heightened phase of awareness I asked him to let us in "her in there!" pointing to the ladies room door. "Me in there", pointing to the men's.
A quick 4 digit code that took about 6 and a half weeks to punch in and the doors were open. As I entered I could sense, and apparently my bowels could too, that relief was almost there. But, things slowed down, I could count the flickering of the fluorescent lighting, 60 times per second, I checked. My voice dropped an octave, my enunciation was slurred, and the phrase I screamed, seemed to take a week.
"NOOOOOOOH! ONE HOLERRR!"
This would not normally be a bad thing; in fact I would prefer a one hole toilet just for the privacy. But when Vicksburg MS, Cra**** Ba***** (VMCB) is crawling out of one's colon, a one hole toilet with a drunk reading the Times Picayune perched, obviously for the long term, does not stop the train leaving the station (see an early post detailing a severe stomach virus), in fact, it steps on the accelerator.
I left the men's room and waited while the VMCB decided it's current southern route should be abandoned for one up north until Patt exited the ladies room.
"Is anyone in there? let me in. Stand guard, don't let anyone in."
Patt is awesome! She let me in and took her post at the door.
I remember thinking as I entered the stall furthest away from the door, "Wow the ladies have 3 stalls! Why don't we men have three stalls?". Just a side note ladies, treat us like animals and we act like animals. I'm just sayin'.
Belt Buckle. Check
Zipper...Button Fly Jeans! I am too old for button fly jeans! One button, two button, three button, hold on there fella you can do this!
A quick little dip and flip and the back alley is open for deliveries!
Flop on the seat.....
We interrupt the graphic description that follows with a single innocuous image that, we hope, will accurately convey our message without causing this post to receive an R rating.
* this scene from Dumb and Dumber used without permission.Anyone that has ever been in this situation will know there is a roller coaster ride ahead, intense nausea and gurgling becomes more intense until one thinks he is going to die, then at the apex of this displeasure, one actually wishes to die, and then a bombastic release and then a sense of immense peace; until, that is, the roller coaster cart begins its ascent up the next hill of "wishing for death". It was during the second of such "cycles of despair" that I heard the door to the ladies room open.
Apparently the Pharm-Zombie punched in the code and swung open the door so quickly to let another patron in that Patt could not block her way.
Now, I am a pretty reasonable guy. Not too much in this crazy mixed up world really gets to me. But one of those things applies to movie theaters, restaurants, and, yes, restrooms - men's and ladies.
From an empty movie theater, an empty restaurant, or an empty restroom, DO NOT SIT RIGHT NEXT TO ME! DO NOT PICK THE TABLE RIGHT NEXT TO ME! DO NOT PEE RIGHT NEXT TO ME! AND FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, DO NOT, SIT IN A STALL RIGHT NEXT TO ME!
Several very, very awkward moments elapsed where I alternated between gentle release and heroic efforts to hold back the flood until finally the lady in the stall next to me flushed and I heard the stall door unlatch and swing open. Of course, I waited for the requisite washing of hands and a few more seconds to allow the lady to exit.
I then began a very hurried clean up and re-robing, flushed myself, and swung "my" stall door open to make a quick exit. As I did I saw Patt standing there...wait for it.... the lady who was still preparing herself to leave the restroom!
Patt and I opened the restroom door to make a break for it and what awaited us there? Pharm-Zombie and a line of men and women waiting for their turn in two of the most secured restrooms on the planet. While no one said anything out loud, we did get the definite vibe from the looks on their faces that we had, indeed, been doing a little more than voiding bladders in the ladies restroom.
We searched the pharmacy for some Gas-X or Pepto to go but had to weed through Pharm-Zombies and shopping zombies, shelves of prophylactics, cigarettes, beer, and whiskey.
The next hour was spent finding the correct Canal Street and finally heading in the correct direction only to find that New Orleans was holding its Halloween Parade. Canal Street blocked off, traffic! all of it going in our direction, a zig zag or two through the business district to St. Charles we finally pulled up in front of the Lafayette Hotel, checked in, handed the keys to the valet and eventually to our room.
Did I mention that the outer bands of hurricane Patricia were dropping a constant misty rain on the city?
But let's top off the night shall we?
The Lafayette Hotel's Desi Vegas Steak House
Patt had a bloody mary - I had a 15 year old Bowmore (tasted leak peat moss-it was excellent)
Center Cut Filet Mignon Oscar
Shared potatoes au gratin and creamed spinach
The picture on their web site is taken from the table at which we dined.
part 3 continues in my next post where I find out what Top Shelf really means.